Maybe I'm not meant to be a mom

Maybe that' it.  Maybe I'm not meant to be a mom.  The world can't be that cruel, right?  How is it possible to want something so much and no matter what you do, in the end you never get it.

I went back to the doctor 2 weeks ago.  The clomid wasn't working.  My follicles still aren't growing the way they are supposed to.  Of course, it's not just a little bit either, they are significantly too small.  I see another doctor within my practice on the 19th but I don't see how she is going to tell me anything different than what I have already been told. I feel like a failure of a woman.  How can my body NOT do the one thing it is supposed to do that ONLY a woman can do?  Not only that, this makes me a failure of a wife.  How can I be the one and the cause of depriving my husband of ever being a father?

After I got this information and after an ugly cry session with the hubby, we started talking about adoption.   Not because there still aren't options for us, but mainly the stress of trying to conceive is sending me over the age.  Then, of course, there is also the issue of hubby having Marfan's Syndrome.  It's a genetic disorder so even if we do have a baby of our own, there is a 50-50 chance that he could pass on some form of Marfan's to our child.  I'm 100% ok with that given the medical advances that have been made and the fact that we know this ahead of time.  Hubby, not so much.  I think it terrifies him that could happen. 

So, we started talking. And we started researching.  And researching some more.  What we were finding was that domestic or international adoption was at minimum $20,000 and up.  I wish I could say I had $20,000 in my savings account, but I don't.  That leaves us with Foster Adoption.  I am extremely familiar with this since I work for the state.  We decided we would contact some of the agencies I am familiar with and attend some informational sessions to see if that is what we wanted to do.  Since I work for the state, I knew there were some policies regarding foster adopt as an employee.  However, I had been told I could still do it, I just needed an outside agency and a child out of a different region than I worked in.  No biggie, right??

Turns out the info I got was wrong.  I can not foster adopt while being an employee of the specific agency I work for.  Cue heart break.  What?  How can that be?  I save several child and families a year, but now that I want to expand my own family, I can't because of the mere agency I work for.

So, we are back to square one.  With ovaries covered in cysts.  A body that can't figure out how to ovulate.  And not enough money to adopt.  Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mom after all.  I never thought in a million years I would find myself in this position.