Where do we go now?

Today I met with the doctor again for a follow up and it was nice to get some encouragement and some guidance on where to go from here.  It is amazing how just having a plan can be comforting. 

My HGC level was still at 204 last week (and needs to be under 5 or something like that).  I have an appointment in 2 weeks to have my level checked again and all fingers crossed that it is where it is supposed to be.  If it is, after my period (TMI for the internet world, I know!!) comes again, we will be all set to start trying for a baby again.  Cue dance party music!!  I am soooo glad this is almost, finally over!!

I also feel like I got a plan of action with the doctor today.  Today, I start a medication called Metformin.  It is supposed to help my body manage and respond to the insulin in my body and make my ovaries operate more effectively.  Initially the doctor and I discussed starting Clomid in addition to the Metformin, however, Clomid helps to stimulate ovulation and I am confident I have been ovulating on my own already.  Because of that, we will wait to discuss Clomid in 3 months if I am not successful on my own. 

I have been charting my cycles since July 2010, thanks to reading the book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Because I have been charting, I know that my cycle is regularly around 32-34 days long, I generally ovulate around days 22-24, and my luteal phase is generally 9-11 days with only one cycle (other than my pregnancy) having a luteal phase of 14 days.  A "normal" cycle is 28 days, with ovulation on day 13-14, and a luteal phase that is normally 12-16 days.  So, you can see, I'm a little off.  But, since I have been charting my cycle, it has been so helpful in coming up with a plan this time.

Since my luteal phase is generally shorter,  my doctor said that generally means have a low level of progesterone.  So in addition to the Metformin, we are going to do two things.  First she is recommending that I start using OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) so I know for certain I am ovulating.  In addition, on the day I ovulate I have to call the doctor's office and let them know so I can do blood work to check my progesterone level.  If it is low, I will get on progesterone supplements immediately and will wait to take a pregnancy test until 14 days past ovulation.  If it is positive, YAY, and I get to keep taking progesterone supplements.  If it is negative, I will stop the progesterone until the next cycle. 

If this does not work, then in 3 months, after 3 cycles, I will go back to the doctor and discuss Clomid.  I'm realistic but I don't even want to think about that.  I hope that I am one of the lucky ones that gets pregnant on the first cycle of miscarriage!  My doctor also said that comes with the risk of twins, so hey!  I'll take that too!

Wish us luck!!

Thoughts on becoming a mother

I read this today and it was surprisingly comforting. It isn't meant to offend anyone so I hope it doesn't.

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother."

~Author Unknown
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Medical Terminology

I learned something today about some correct medical terminology that makes me sick.  Did you know that the medical terminology for a miscarriage is actually "Spontaneous Abortion?"  Are you serious?  I under no circumstances "aborted" my baby.  Abortion is a choice.  I did NOT make this choice.  I did NOT want to end my pregnancy.  This term is really, really degrading to me. I had to look up my labs on my doctor's portal today and could see what was wrote at my visits this week and this terminology is what I saw.  After further research, I determined that is supposed to be the correct term.  It makes me sick.

On another note, I feel like there are no words to describe what happened on Monday.  I did not "Abort" my baby.  I did not "Miss Carry" my baby.  I did not "Lose" my baby.  How can I describe such an awful feeling?  Saying "My baby died" doesn't seem right either.  This is just all too surreal.  I'm still stuck at Why me?  Why us?  What did we do wrong?  What did I do wrong?  I keep waiting to wake up each day and it start getting easier and it's not.  This hurts.  This sucks.

Life Changes

In an instant, your life can change.  Change is not always a good thing, either.  I have abandoned my blog for the last 7 months and so much has happened.  In the past, this blog has been an outlet for my emotions, feelings, and things going on in Mike and I's life.  Writing has always helped me make sense of my feelings, so I have decided now is as good a time to try again. So, if you are reading this, you are about to get a very detailed, long, personal look at Mike and I's life.

February 2011, Mike and I decided that we were finally ready to expand our family.  I should say it was more Mike deciding because I have been ready to be a mom since forever. :) To say I was excited was an understatement.  For being 26 years old, Mike and I have already over come so much already, including his open heart surgery he had in February 2010.  I have known he was going to make an awesome dad for a very long time, which is part of the reason I fell in love with him. I couldn't wait to test out my theory!  Much to my dismay, getting pregnant wasn't as easy as the kids on "16 and Pregnant" make it out to be.

Months passed by and nothing happened.  It was pretty discouraging and Mike reassured me our time would come, but my gut instinct was that something was wrong.  At the advice of some awesome Austin ladies, I bought the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility".  This book was mind blowing to me.  It is wrote in a way that it all made sense to me.  After reading the book, I finally understood my body.  The book teaches you to chart your cycle and your symptoms so that you can time ovulation and subsequently get pregnant.  I was able to do this and felt like it gave me some control over my body.  Although, this for me, was the first real sign to show me something was wrong.  I had always had regular 28 day cycles before and I no longer did.  My cycles are now approximately 32 days long.  In addition, a normal cycle ovulates on day 14 and I was ovulating around day 20-24.  Also, a luteal phase (time between ovulation and the start of your menstrual cycle) is normally around 14 days and the longest I ever charted my luteal phase was 11 days.  So, as you can see, immediately nothing seemed to be "normal". 

From there, I charted 3 cycles before going in for my annual exam and 6 months after we started trying to conceive, so I felt like I was armed with information to see where to go from here.   I met with the doctor and didn't really get much progress.  In fewer words, I was told that I had been on birth control for a very long and it could take a while for my cycles to get normal again.  Because of that she told me to keep trying and to come back when we had been trying for a year.  She also sent me for blood work to make sure everything was normal.  All blood work came back normal except I had a significant Vitamin D deficiency so I got on Vitamin D supplements and moved on.

Each month I didn't get a positive pregnancy test, we were so disappointed.  Then.  FINALLY.  It happened.  January 14, 2012, I took a test and it pretty quickly flashed "pregnant"!  Three subsequent pregnancy tests also all said “PREGNANT!”  I screamed, ran in the bedroom, jumped on Mike (who was barely awake), shoved it in his face and said "Look!".  Of course, his reaction was the logical one "Does that thing have pee on it?" LOL  It was an amazing moment for us.  We scheduled the doctor's appointment and of course they scheduled it for 4 weeks out, 2/9/12.  We kept our secret for 2 weeks.

January 28th, my mom came to town to go to a Broadway Musical- Wicked.  The night she came to town, we gave her a baby bib that said "Grandma's give the best hugs".  She screamed at the top of her lungs and then cried.  We told Mike's parent's next and they were thrilled.  We sent flowers to our grandparents telling them they were going to be Great Grandma's.  Then we told my Dads.  Slowly we started telling other family.  We know we were getting a little ahead of ourselves since we hadn't even been to the doctor yet.  BUT, we were So. EXCITED!  This baby was so wanted and so loved already.  We just couldn't keep it a secret any further.

On February 6th, things started to change.  I started spotting.  Everything I was reading said that spotting early in pregnancy is normal, but being this was our first pregnancy and such a wanted baby, it was very, very scary.  I called the doctor and they were amazing in getting me in right away.  I went in, had our first ultrasound and we met our little "Gummy Bear" for the very first time at 6 weeks and 4 days old.

Everything looked great.  We couldn't hear a heart beat but we could see the little flicker on the screen.  My doctor reassured me that everything was great and we were fine.  She said some women spot their whole pregnancy and there is no explanation.  We left there ecstatic and were told to come back in 2 weeks.  The spotting continued but otherwise everything seemed fine.  I had nausea daily and was constantly exhausted, reminding me that I had this little gummy bear growing inside of me. 

Fast forward to Monday, February 20, 2012.  We were supposed to go in to hear the heart beat for the first time since my baby had grown to 8 weeks 4 days.  It was supposed to be a great day.  Then the unimaginable happened.  I started bleeding so heavy and it wouldn't stop.  It wasn't just spotting anymore.  I knew immediately that this was it.  I immediately went to the doctor who confirmed that we had lost our baby.  The emotional pain I am feeling is unimaginable.  I wouldn't ever wish these feelings on my worst enemy.  On top of the emotional pain, the physical pain is almost nagging me as to say "Ha, Ha, Ha, you aren't pregnant anymore!".  It's awful.  I hate this.  I'm miserable.  I want my baby back.  It makes you question yourself, your morals, your beliefs, your Faith, everything.  I have dedicated my whole career to helping children.  Every. Single. Day. I work with families that do not deserve to be parents.  I am having a ridiculously hard time trying to understand why these people are able to have 8, 9, plus children that they do not provide for, care for, or love, and the first time I get the opportunity to be a mom, it is ripped from my hands.  I read a news article yesterday where ELEVEN children were removed from their home in Dayton where toddlers were being TIED TO THEIR BED!.  Those people can pop out children and THIS happens to us??  This is not fair.  I hate this.

To make this agonizing pain even worse, so many things have come up about my body that is "broken", it is just unreal.  When I went for the ultrasound at 6 weeks, the ultra sound tech looked at my right ovary and said it looked healthy.  She then looked at my left ovary and then didn't say anything. The doctor later told me that they thought I had Polycystic OvarySyndrome (PCOS).  She said at the time it didn't matter because I was able to get pregnant on my own, but it was likely the cause for why it took so long for us to get pregnant.  Obviously, now this matters.  I had blood work done on Monday and I will continue to do blood work weekly until my levels get back down to zero showing I am no longer pregnant.  Heartbreaking.  From there I will do additional blood work to see if I in fact have PCOS.

Then things have gotten weird.  Yesterday, I got a phone call from the nurse that the blood work came back and I was Rh Negative which meant I had to get a shot of Rhogam.  This made no sense to me because my blood type is B+.  When I got to the doctor's office I spoke to the nurse and was trying to make sense of this and she kept looking at me like I was stupid.  She finally stepped out, looked at my paperwork and said, "Your blood type is B-".  I was so confused.  I then explained to her that my mom assured me my blood type was B+.  In addition, in high school, I donated blood basically monthly at a blood bank with my grandma.  Because of that, I have a credit card sized card from the blood bank that has my name and blood type on it, that says B+.  I have kept that card in my wallet behind my driver's license for years.  I showed this to her and the nurse was then confused.  At that point I was starting to question the lab and was thinking that they had to have mixed my blood with someone else's.  The only thing about that logic is that I had watched the nurse pump the blood out of my arm in to a vial that said my full name on it.  So clearly, it didn't really seem logical that it would be someone else's blood.  The nurse called the lab and explained the situation and had them re-run my blood.

Today, the doctor's office called me back.  It turns out I am in fact B-.  Apparently my blood also has something called "Weak D Positive" that actually can make my blood type appear to be positive to some labs when it in fact is negative.  So, my entire life, I have believed I was B+, I have donated blood and plasma thinking I was B+ and yet I am actually B-.  Now, this stresses me out because I have to hope that the blood I donated wasn't given to someone that rejected my blood and got them sick because it was the wrong kind.   This sucks!  On top of the other emotions I have going on; I get to feel guilty about donating blood as the wrong type.

So, if you have got this far, thank you for reading our journey so far.  We have had so much grief, then excitement, then grief again that obviously this is going to be a long torturous path for us.  I thankfully have the rest of the week off to cope with all of this.  But for now, welcome to Mike and I's journey to parenthood.  Hopefully in the end, I will forget all of this pain and suffering and be able to focus on a beautiful baby that we would be so blessed to have.  For now, this is our life and the journey we are on.  Feel free to share your experiences, your thoughts, and your prayers for us as we go through this, because trust me, we could use them.